


One More Time

by akirarin25



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mention of Death, Original Character Death(s), Other, Platonic Relationships, References to Depression, Siblings, read the tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29678256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akirarin25/pseuds/akirarin25
Summary: Multiple times he pushed her awayand one time he wished he didn’t.—Or in which Sakusa realizes his mistake a little too late.—THIS STORY IS A ONE SHOT (with a possibility of bonus chapters)And a mere product of my Sakusa brainrot
Relationships: Sakusa Kiyoomi & Reader
Kudos: 2





	One More Time

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS NEITHER A LOVE STORY NOR A HAPPY ONE
> 
> \- This won't be following the canon family of Sakusa, instead of two older siblings he will have a younger sister  
> \- The younger sister doesn't need to be the reader but if you want it to be, feel free to do so  
> \- When it says Sakusa please know that it's referring to Sakusa Kiyoomi unless said otherwise  
> \- This is in NO WAY INCEST. Please don't make, treat and imply it as such  
> \- English is not my first language so I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors  
> \- Unedited, I'll try to edit when I have time
> 
> WARNING(S)  
> This book includes mentions of suicide, death, implied depression, toxic parenting and profanties.   
> (Please find another book if you’re sensitive with any of the mentioned topics above)

—

A figure stood before him, a figure he never thought he'd see.

He wants to unsee it, he wants to forget. He didn't want to accept that what he is seeing is reality. He wants someone to pinch him and wake him up from this horrible nightmare.

He wants to cry, to ask why— but he's scared. Maybe because deep inside he knows that he's possibly part of the reason. He might have not been directly involved but he enabled it.

He let it happen.

And now her figure stands before him.

How he wished he could take back time and redo things.

_"Just one more time. Let me be a better brother just for one more time."_

—

Part I: Comparison

—

SAKUSA KIYOOMI isn't the affectionate type. He doesn't care whether it's a relative or a friend, he treats everyone the same. He doesn't like physical contact, given the fact he's a germaphobe but other than that, him showing any signs of affection was pretty nonexistent.

He doesn't sugar coat words and is always brutally honest. He's the type to show his distaste even if it might end up offending the latter— although there are times he feels guilty, not that he'll admit that though.

So when people saw how the two Sakusa siblings interact with each other, no one's that surprised. Instead of siblings they acted like acquaintances, sometimes even complete strangers. They were completely distant and barely acknowledged each other, their home life not being much different either.

Sakusa never thought much of it, his sister never said anything so he thought everything was fine. It was normal for him since he was the same way with his parents. Their most interaction is during dinner wherein everyone is sat together and the family would talk about things ranging from school stuff, work and volleyball.

Although there was something Sakusa hated during their family dinners and that's the constant comparison.

He isn't someone who particularly craved praise and attention, actually he'd rather not have it but a praise coming from his parents were different.

Especially when the other person being praised is his sister who's a genius in every single way. A smart and athletic girl who excelled on everything she does. He sometimes wondered if there was something the girl couldn't do.

Like him, the girl plays volleyball and was amazingly good at it. Given the fact that she's only a first year and is already one of the top five aces. So when someone like his sister, who is over praised by the people around her, sits next to him, he can't help but feel so small.

He wasn't the type to get easily insecured but having his parents compare every little thing they do can be a tad bit infuriating.

_"Your sister's the top of her class, what's your ranking Kiyoomi?"_

_"Her teachers said that—"_

_"Did you know your sister won—"_

It's always about her. They go to the same school and he already knows everything, no need to rub it in his face twice. Contrary to the annoyance he feels towards constant comparison of his parents, he's actually quite proud of his sister. He sometimes can't believe that they share the same dna. He sometimes question if all the good genes went to her.

Despite the pride he felt for his sister, he never once actually showed it. He has never congratulated her. Not even a compliment or a simple "good job". He doesn't know why but he just never did.

How he wished to be more outspoken like their cousin.

—

Part II: Childhood

—

KOMORI MOTOYA knew the siblings since they were kids. He knew that they weren't always distant with one another. Despite not being close with his cousins when they were younger, he has watched them from a far. He saw how the older Sakusa would pat his sister's head whenever she did something good. He also saw how the eyes of the younger sibling would sparkle when looking at her brother— her eyes were always full of admiration and adoration.

He knew how much the younger sibling idolized her brother. It even got to the point where she tried her best to learn everything her older brother did to become closer to him. Unfortunately the opposite happened.

Instead of growing closer the two drifted apart instead.

Komori witnessed all of that.

He witnessed how Kiyoomi did his best to avoid his younger sister. How he pushed her away and distanced himself from her. Alongside that he also witnessed how the younger girl who had sparkles in her eyes slowly lose their shine. 

Thinking about it makes him feel guilty sometimes. Guilty over the fact he could have done something to help the two. That's why he tries his best to give them opportunity to interact when he can. He also tries to bring up the girl when he talks with Sakusa.

He hates the fact how he could never get the courage to ask Sakusa:

_Why make your sister bare the consequences of your parents' action?_

He knows its wrong to let what's happening continue. He knows cause he can see her. He can see how as the day passes the young girl who was full of life is slowly starting to lose her light. He can see the tiredness and sadness on her face. 

He knows that the girl has been trying. Desperately trying to fix the broken relationship with his brother, that wasn't even her fault to begin with. It was unfair. She didn't deserve any of it— after all it was their parents who decided to play favorites.

He knows about Sakusa's insecurity— though Sakusa would be mad if he worded it that way, since the boy claims he wasn't the insecure type. 

One of the few times his cousin opened up to him was about the constant comparison that happens inside their household. He saw how much it affected Sakusa, how much it wounded him and hurt him.

But that didn't justify his actions, it didn't make it right. The young girl is innocent so why her? Why did she have to suffer for something she had no control over? 

But at the same time he couldn't say that directly to Sakusa's face cause a part of him understands the boy. He knows its hard to be constantly compared to someone. He knows how much it can affect a person, perhaps that's why he kept his mouth shut. He stayed silent because he himself didn't know how it feels to be the favored child. Although he was fortunate enough that his parents were neither the comparing type nor the type to have favorites.

If only he was able to differentiate the difference between being favored and being pressured.

—

Part III: Bento

—

AS MUCH AS SAKUSA hates to admit it, his sister was a hella good cook. He has tasted her cooking during breakfast and the times wherein their parents won't be home for dinner. He also can't help but be amazed with how much his sister knew him.

She knew how picky he was. She also knews his preferences despite not talking about it. Despite the delicious meal, Sakusa would always eat fast to finish quickly, giving him the excuse to leave the table. Mainly to not be alone with his sister.

There have been multiple times wherein his sister tried to give him a bento. Emphasis on the word tried and that's because he never accepts. As much as he loved her cooking, his pride won't let him take much more. Not that she bothered to give it to him directly anyways.

She would always leave it on the countertop of their kitchen, knowing that he would see it. She'd leave a note on top with a really short message like "I hope you like it" or "I hope practice goes well today." It was short and brief but Sakusa found it endearing.

But as always, his pride will take priority, he has never once took the bento with him. He would only read the message then leave, unknowingly that his sister sees him during those times. The young girl doesn't do anything except for trying to cheer herself up.

Making up excuses such as:

_"Maybe he wasn't in a good mood."_

_"Maybe he prefers the lunch in school."_

She'd also try to comfort herself by saying that she can always try again.

And those are only some of the thoughts Sakusa never knew. He didn't know how much impact ignoring one bento had, so imagine the multiple times he did the same thing. 

He then soon found out that his sister is still human and humans get tired. He started to realize his wrongdoings when the bento stopped appearing.

If only he saw much heart and effort are put on those meals.

—

Part IV: Realization

—

KOMORI COULDN'T BELIEVE his ears when he heard the words that came out his cousin's mouth. He almost slapped the guy cause it was just so unlike him, it wasn't the Sakusa he knows. 

He felt his world stopped when Sakusa suddenly blurted to him, "I'm a shitty brother aren't I?"

Sakusa could easily admit his mistakes in volleyball, mainly because he's always the first one to notice when he does something wrong. He was his worst critique after all. But this wasn't volleyball, hence explaining Komori's sudden shock.

"What made you realize that?" Komori asked, grinning.

"When she stopped... making the bentos." Sakusa replied with slight hesitation.

"Bentos? Don't you eat here?" Komori questioned, confused. He has never seen the boy eat a homemade bento and they sit together during lunch.

"Yea... I think she stopped making them cause I never ate them."

Komori face palmed.

 _Please give me the strength to not hit this dumbass right now._ Komori begged. He couldn't believe it. He was no stranger to the girl's cooking, afterall he has tasted it before and instantly felt jealous over the fact that Sakusa ate those type of food everyday.

And now his cousin is saying that the same person who seems to be blessed with literally every skill imaginable, has been making him lunch but his petty ass refused to accept it?

Atleast seperate food from your problems. Good food is good food and their issues shouldn't be a reason for Sakusa to prevent himself from consuming such meals, Komori thought.

"What do you plan on doing then?" Komori continued inquiring.

"I don't know yet. I've been such a terrible brother so I don't know if it's a good idea to approach her." Sakusa admitted.

Komori's grin got even bigger.

This was a once in a lifetime experience. He had to stop himself from bringing out his phone and start recording the guy because of the seriousness of the situation. He was glad and excited. He can't wait to see the changes that'll happen in the future.

He can't wait to see them happy again.

Most importantly he can't wait to see them play volleyball again, since he saw how happy the two were when they played back then. Even if his cousin doesn't say it he could tell, Sakusa missed playing the sport he loves with his sister.

When the younger sibling is on the same or opposite court Sakusa would always be unintentionally fired up.

"Why not try talking to her today? Just greet her, ask her how she is or something like that." Komori suggested.

"You never know, you might be too late when you finally start taking action." Komori added.

"I have all the time in the world Komori, we literally live in the same house. I'll try though.." Sakusa answered, the last few words coming out as a mutter though Komori heard it as clear as day.

"I heard the girls' would finish their practice late today, why not go home with her?" Komori suggested once again.

Sakusa sighed. "Sure..."

—

Part V: Reach out

—

SAKUSA LOOKED DOWN on his shoes as he patiently waited for his sister to come out, taking the advice of his cousin on walking home together. He looked up once he heard the muffled voices of the girls coming from the gym and there he saw his sister looking down with an uninterested look while her friend talking beside her looked worried.

 _What are they talking about?_ He thought.

He walked up to her, surprising the other members of the girls' volleyball team, since this was the first time they saw the older Sakusa wait for his sister. The two friends stopped and the younger Sakusa looked up, shocked to see his brother.

"Kiyoomi... what are you doing here?" 

"Let's walk home together."

The young girl's eyes widened, after all his older brother barely acknowledged her at home and now he wants to walk home together? Despite being confused, she agreed and greeted her friend goodbye.

She followed after his brother who has started walking ahead then smiled to herself. She was happy, excited even. She started thinking about how this might be a start of a better relationship.

Smiling to herself, she walked quietly behind her brother till he stopped. Sakusa looked back at her sister and said, "Walk in front of me, I'll be behind you."

The girl happily complied, looking down to attempt to hide her smile. Sakusa smiled under his mask, _is she really this happy with just walking home together?_ He always thought that his sister was more like him in terms of being unexpressive. He never expected her to be this simple. He never expected that he'll find the usual stoic face of the girl filled with happiness just by walking home together.

He then suddenly remembered his cousin's word earlier.

_"I don't know why you're so scared, she's your sister. That girl idolizes you A LOT, she probably doesn't see anything wrong with your actions. Cause she thinks your her dear older brother that could never do anything wrong. Trust me, she'll be happy."_

He never really understood the importance of relationship, he thought it was unnecessary— until today that is. He can't explain why but he felt happy seeing his younger sister cheerful. She looks better when she's smiling genuinely. He thought, remembering how the girl has been forcefully smiling during dinner in front of their parents.

But that happiness soon came to an abrupt when the phone of his sister pinged. He saw the girl take out her phone from her pocket and read over at what he's assuming is a message. He then noticed the change of the mood, seeing as how his sister suddenly looked down while clenching her phone.

 _"Why not try talking to her today? Just greet her, ask her how she is or something like that."_ He remembered Komori's words earlier.

 _Ask her Kiyoomi, just ask her. It's not like she's going to bite or bark at you._

_But how do I ask her? Do I reach out to her? Do I have to touch her shoulder to get her attention without needing to raise my voice? If I do manage to ask her will she answer though?_ He started rambling on his head. Contemplating wether he should ask her now or later when they get home.

Throwing all his worries aside, he raised his hand to touch the girl's shoulder to get her attention but stopped when he saw her turning back to him. He retracted his hand seeing the girl half looking at him. 

"Do you... need something Kiyoomi?" His sister said in a low and tired voice.

_What's wrong? Who texted you and why did you react that way? Why do you sound so tired? Have you been eating and sleeping well?_

There was a million questions he wanted to ask but his mouth won't seem to cooperate. He wanted to speak but he couldn't. He was scared she wouldn't answer, but besides that he was more scared with what her answer will be.

_Open your mouth Kiyoomi, ask her._

He was chanting in his head. _This is your chance to get closer._ He closed his eyes, frustrated with his self, confused where this sudden fear is coming from.

"Kiyoomi?" He heard her voice again.

"Nothing, let's walk faster so we can get home before sundown."

"Oh... ok." 

_Great. You ruined it. You could have asked her but you just had to ruin it huh?_

He was scolding himself in his head, especially after hearing the disappointed tone of his sister. He was beating himself inside for being such a coward. I'll ask her later at home, he told himself.

—

Part VI: Thud

—

SAKUSA PACED AROUND in his room, texting Komori about his failed attempt earlier. He texted his cousin expecting for some advice but only got laughter with a bunch of emojis that he guessed were mocking him. He sighed out loud due to frustration. 

_She's next door Kiyoomi, just knock then talk to her, it's that easy._

... is what he have been saying to himself for the past two hours. Quite time has passed since they got home and since then he has been trying to come up with a plan on how he should approach and converse with his sister.

Other than that, it also has been an hour since his parents arrived so he knows that they'll have dinner in the next few minutes or so. _Should I talk to her before or after dinner?_ I can't really talk to her during dinner since mom will be talking to her the entire time. He sighed once again before ruffling his hair.

_Thud._

He looked at his door due to the sudden muffled noise. He stood up and looked outside only to see that everything on the corridor in its proper place. Did something fall? He wondered, not bothering to find the source of the sound he went back inside.

A couple of minutes passed then he heard his mother shout from downstairs, calling them both to come down to eat dinner. He went down and sat on his usual spot, greeting both his parents. His mother sets the table whilst his father scrolls through his phone, probably reading random articles online.

 _Why are they so traditional?_ He thought.

 _They both came home from work and are probably equally tired, atleast help her set the table._ He thought before standing up and helping his mother set the table.

The older woman stopped his son and chuckled. "It's fine Kiyoomi I got it, can you call your sister instead? We didn't get to finish our talk earlier since she didn't respond to my text."

 _Text?_ He suddenly remembered how her sister got a message earlier that caused her mood to change. Was it mom? Is mom the reason why she seemed so down? He wondered but didn't bother questioning his mother and instead followed her instructions.

He went up and stood in front of his sister's door, calling out to her while knocking. After not receiving a reply for a solid minute he knocked again and spoke louder only to be greeted with silence.

_Was she asleep? Or perhaps in the bathroom?_

He knocked one more time only to be greeted with silence once again. "I'm coming in ok?" He shouted at the door. He placed his hand on the door knob then looked down just incase the girl was indecent. Once he got in his vision was greeted by a chair lying on the floor.

Then he remembered the sound he heard earlier.

His eyes widen and he instantly looked up. A figure stood before him, a figure he never thought he'd see.

He wants to unsee it, he wants to forget. He didn't want to accept that what he is seeing is reality. He wants someone to pinch him and wake him up from this horrible nightmare.

He wants to cry, to ask why— but he's scared. Maybe because deep inside he knows that he's possibly part of the reason. He might have not been directly involved but he enabled it. 

He let it happen.

He collapsed on the floor due to shock, he couldn't even focus on the voice of his mother coming up from downstairs, probably wondering why they weren't down yet. 

"Kiyoomi did you call your sister ye—? Why are you on the floor?" His mother rushed to his side and followed the direction of his son's widened eyes. Then she screamed and ran towards her daughter, trying to get the poor girl down from the place she was hanging from.

She shouted for her husband and his son to come help her. While his father quickly climbed the stairs and like everyone got shocked with the whole thing, Sakusa sat on the floor, unable to move. Still staring directly at the lifeless eyes of his sister with tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

"KIYOOMI CALL AN AMBULANCE. GET UP AND CALL FOR HELP. KIYOOMI." His mother continued to scream at him to try and get help but it was if he was deaf, no, he felt paralyzed. He couldn't move, he couldn't feel any of his senses. Everything was starting to become blurry due to his tears. He could feel a headache forming due to the shock and amount of questions running through his head.

But one question remained constant: _why?_

He hasn't talked to her yet. He was still gonna mend their relationship. He was going to be a better brother. So why? 

He then sees his parents successfully bring down the body of her sister but he himself still hasn't move. He saw his father call for help while his mother hugged the body of her sister. _She could still make it, the ambulance just needs to arrive quickly._ Realizing that, he finally came back to his senses and went closer to his mother and sister. He checked her pulse and felt his heart drop when he didn't feel any.

 _No no no no this isn't true._ His eyes widened as he looked at his sister then his mother's crying face. _She was fine earlier, she even smiled at me. We were just walking home earlier..._ He cried and clenched his fist, blaming himself, his head filling up with "what ifs".

 _If you talked to her earlier, maybe just maybe, she wouldn't do it. Maybe she would still be alive._ He angrily scolded himself.

He then remembered the worried face her friend had earlier when they came from practice. Did she know something? He wondered. Wiping his tears, he stood up and grabbed his phone that had fallen earlier. He had to contact this friend. To inform her and ask her. To ask her if she knew something and if she did, Sakusa wanted to know why. 

Why did his sister do it?

Although he had his own theories, that are most probably facts, he still wanted to ask.

Paramedics soon busted through their door and brought her sister to a stretcher. "Only one relative can come, who will be going?" The paramedic asked.

"I'm her mother, I'll go with her." And with that he sees his mother get in the ambulance before it drove away. His father then grabbed his arm with a mask on his other hand, still not forgetting about his tendencies despite the situation. He put on the mask and went in the car with his father and they drove, following the ambulance.

Sakusa stared at his slippers, clenching his fist out of both anger and grief. He was blaming himself and his father knew that as he stole glances at his son. The father wasn't blind, he saw how distant his two children have gotten. He saw the change in their relationship and he knew the cause— him and his wife.

The father couldn't do anything but clench the steering wheel as he drove before stealing one look at his son.

"It's not your fault Kiyoomi, don't blame yourself... blame us."

The older Sakusa took a deep breath, directed his eyes toward the road and continued,

"After all it's your mom and I's fault."

—

Part VII: Emotions

—

SAKUSA WANTED TO AGREE, he wanted to place the blame on his parents. He wanted to shout at his father and ask him what they did to cause his sister to break like that. He knew how strong she was, how resilient and passionate she was. 

_So what did they do to be able to break a girl that strong? To cause her to give up?_

But he couldn't, cause asking that would imply that he's innocent and he knows he's not. He ignored her when he should have been there for her, he saw the signs and he chose to act blind. He prioritized his pride over what was right and now he has to pay, no— they had to pay for their actions.

He can't deny the fact that he had thought of his sister as a try hard, a people pleaser, a person who just wanted to impress everyone. In short a show off. He didn't like the fact that she even did the one thing he was most proud of— volleyball. He thought it was her way of showing him that she was better at everything, that she was above him.

And he'd learn later that, that wasn't the case. He glanced at the two phones on his hand due to the constant buzzing of the other. He had managed to grab her sister's phone earlier before they followed the paramedics outside the house. He turned it on to see the huge number of messages coming from, who he's assuming, the girl with her sister earlier.

The messages went from 

_How's the walk?  
Did you and Sakusa senpai talk?  
Did you guys go somewhere to spend time together?_

to,

_Hey you haven't been responding, everything ok?  
I know everything's hard right now but I hope you look at the brighter things...  
If it's about your mother, want me to talk to her for you? You know she shouldn't force you right? It's YOUR life, she doesn't control it  
Love can you please respond? Anything, even just a K, I'd be happy  
I just want to know that you're alright..._

Sakusa's eyebrows furrowed. Confused with what the other girl was talking about but one thing was clear in his head, his mother played a big part on this, he just didn't know how exactly. He already confirmed to himself that his parents were pressuring her with her studies. He knew because he has heard the few times his mother got mad when the young girl scored lower than her usual grade.

Then he felt something inside him click. As if everything just fitted.

He always thought the constant comparison was because his sister is heavily favored by their parents and they had wanted him to be like her. When in reality that wasn't the truth.

His parents favored him. After all he knew how traditional they were. They never scolded him when he failed, they supported him with his plans to pursue professional volleyball. They even talked about how proud they were of their son for being one of the top 3 aces. But what did his sister get? Sure they praised her a lot but alongside those were a mountain of criticisms.

He only realized now how much his parents nitpicked every single thing his sister did. It may have been mainly their mom but their father sure did nothing to stop his wife. Like him, his father acted blind.

They soon arrived at the hospital and there Sakusa his mother crying, her hands together on her mouth, trying to muffle the sounds of her cries. His father ran towards her and hugged her on the side, attempting to comfort her. 

Sakusa glared at his parents. Why are they crying? Isn't their fault this happened in the first place? He was angry, in his head his parents didn't have the right to cry after what they had done. You two forced her, pushed her over her limits. Now you wonder why this happened.

He looked at his sister's phone that was continuously buzzing. He attempted to open and was quite surprised that the girl didn't have any password. He opened the messages and contemplated on how he should deliver the message to his sister's friend.

After contemplating for a short while, he started typing.

_Hey...  
This is her brother, she just attempted to... We're at xxxxx hospital right now, please come if you can_

He sent it, cringing at how formal and unaffected he seemed with the message. He closed the phone before joining his parents. He sat down and stared at the room where his sister currently is. As he continued to glance at the room, he felt the tears attempting to escape his eyes once again.

He always thought he was forever gonna be collected and unfazed, since not even losing a game can bring out so much emotion out of him. He always thought that he could just try again and get better. But this was different. He didn't have a second chance this time, he couldn't try again.

And that's because the doctor confirmed it by coming out the door, with an apologetic look on his face.

That day Sakusa realized why he hated showing emotions so much.

—

Part VIII: Talk

—

SAKUSA WENT OUT to clear his head, to attempt to distract himself from what happened. As he was walking towards the door he was suddenly greeted by the worried faces of his cousin and the girl from earlier. The pair rushed to him and the girl quickly grabbed him to ask details about what happened.

He didn't reply and instead looked down causing the girl to break down while Komori stood there shocked, silently crying with the news Sakusa threw at them. He kneeled down and comforted the girl who was crying on the floor while still clutching Sakusa's arm.

Normally he would brush it off and glare at the person who attempted to touch him but he couldn't do that right now. Not when he knew how heart broken the person was on the floor. 

After what felt like hours, Komori helped the girl stood up. She looks at Sakusa, a glare on her face that instantly turned to sadness as she stared more at the boy. She wanted to be angry, knowing how much impact the boy had at her friend but she couldn't.

_Cause she knew her friend wouldn't like that._

She knew how much the girl adored her brother. She knew well that the girl would be mad at her if she blamed the brother she talked so highly about.

So she didn't and instead she asked, "Can we talk? Just the two of us alone?"

"Sure."

Komori stared at the pair as they walked out. He wiped away his tears and updated his parents about what had happen so they can come and support his uncle and aunt who just lost their daughter.

He looked once again at the back of the two people who just left. He couldn't believe that he was just teasing Sakusa earlier and now this happened.

He winced when he remembered the words he said earlier "you might be too late when you start taking action."

He turned off his phone and started walking towards his where aunt and uncle were to give his condolences. While walking he had one regret on his head. 

_I shouldn't have said that._

—

Part IX: Why?

—

THE TWO STARED AT EACH OTHER before Sakusa broke the eye contact and spoke. His voice hoarse because of the earlier events. "Can I ask you something?"

The girl glared one more time before sighing and looking down. "... sure." She hesitantly agreed.

"D-did you know? Did you know that she was planning this? When I picked her up earlier you looked really worried." Sakusa asked.

"No, I didn't. But I had my assumptions, I saw the signs— I should have—" The girl explained unclearly, constantly cutting herself off while pulling her hair. She then kept muttering how bad of a friend she was and how she could have done better.

She's annoyed at herself. She's blaming herself... Sakusa concluded as he stares at the girl in front of him. But why? It was his and his parents' fault. _Funny how a friend seemed to care more for her. How shameful of us..._ Sakusa thought, thinking about how he and his parents acted towards the youngest member of the family.

"Don't blame yourself, i'm sure you did everything you could. If anyone deserves the blame, it's us. We drove her to do this, we're the cause of her pain and sadness." Sakusa said, attempting to comfort the girl.

He suddenly became surprised when the she started chuckling before looking him dead in the eyes. "Yeah, you're right. But your sister would hate me if I blame you so I'll just say, yeah your parents are at fault."

His eyes widened, _"your sister would hate me if I blame you."_ He never really knew how much his sister adored him and he was just about to find out now.

"Did you know... how much that girl looked up to you? She did everything to gain back your trust, love, affection and all that. She did all of that just for you to look at her, to acknowledge her and what did she get? Nothing. You probably didn't know that she played volleyball because of you."

Sakusa felt his heart crack. She played volleyball for me? As if the girl in front of him read his mind, she continued, elaborating the volleyball part.

"She saw how much you enjoyed, no— she saw how much you loved volleyball. So she thought that maybe if she knew about the thing you loved the most, you would acknowledge her and maybe even play a game with her. She thought you would be proud, so she studied everything, she read multiple books and watched a lot of games. She practiced and trained hard in hopes to stand in the same court as you. All of those for what?!! Just to see her older brother smile at her again."

The crack in Sakusa's heart started getting bigger. He didn't know that. He always thought that his sister played to beat him on the one thing he was proud of. He never knew that it was for him. He was tearing up once again, he wanted to beat himself up for thinking bad about his own sister.

He was filled with regret. His little sister who just wanted to be acknowledged by his older brother. She deserved everything good in life, and now she didn't even have one to live. 

She only wanted the bare minimum from him and he couldn't even give her that. Just how much more of terrible sibling could he be? He glared at the ground, repeatedly shouting at himself on his head. But he still had questions to ask, one of those being the text messages relating his mom.

Just what did their mother do?

"I saw the texts earlier... what did mom do? What did you mean that mom was forcing her?" Sakusa asked while still looking down. The guilt he felt was not letting him look up.

"Your sister... she loves art. She wanted to become an artist." The girl revealed, causing the boy to look up.

It was another thing he didn't know. He never really got to know her sister so he didn't know about her plans and hobbies. He just assumed that her hobbies were studying. 

"... and your mother didn't like that."

His heart cracked for the third time. Of course. Of course their mother didn't support her. He knew how bent their mother was in sending the youngest member to a specific university that had a low acceptance rate. That would have been fine except the fact it was university a lot of successful doctors attended. Their mother was bent on making her only daughter take medicine. She wanted her daughter to become a doctor.

"Did you know... for your sister you were the best piece of art there is. In her eyes, you were a masterpiece and she dreamed to be like you. That's probably why she felt so happy everytime she drew you."

Sakusa stood still, not daring to speak. He was guilty. He felt so bad after knowing how much his sister admired him. He felt terrible knowing that he barely knew his own sister. He laughed on his head when he remembered how he asked Komori if he was a shitty brother.

He wasn't just a shitty brother.

He was the worse brother there is to exist. He deserved a worse brother of the century award, he thought.

He hated on his own sister without knowing her side. He left her by herself cause he thought his parents favored the said girl, he didn't realize that it was actually him receiving the better end. He wanted to apologize but now he can't. But he knew that couldn't be it, his sister wasn't the type to give up just because their mother said she couldn't follow her dreams. He might have not known a lot of things about her but he knew how determined the girl could get. 

"What else is there..? I'm sure that's not it." Sakusa said making the girl release a sarcastic chuckle.

"Of course not. Your mother forces your sister to get a perfect score in everything. Even forcing her to attend an academy despite knowing she had volleyball practice. Your sister's human, she gets tired. That routine ruined her. As soon as she got home that damn bitch will make her study to make sure she didn't fall behind. She's 15, she can only handle so much until she starts to break."

Her studies. He felt his heart completely shatter, he felt like such a failure. He felt bad for not noticing. He then remebered the multiple times he went out of his room to get water and he would see the girl's bedroom light still open. It was past midnight and he doubted that she just left her light open. One time he tried to check on her and tell her to go to sleep his father had stopped him. "Your sister's studying, don't disturb her." Back then he brushed it off, angry even, cause he translated it as their father thinking he wasn't worthy to check on his sister.

That they weren't on the same level.

Why was he only realizing now how absurd that was. The girl came back from hours of volleyball practice and is still awake studying? How come he only realized now how much tiring that was. How come he never cared when he saw the bags underneath the girl's eyes.

His late realization made him remember something.

Komori's words from earlier rang on his head. _"You might be too late when you start taking action."_

Late he was. He couldn't believe that he had replied to that confidently by saying he had all the time in the world.

"And Sakusa-san?" He looked up, hearing the girl call his name.

"Your sister's bento was the best, shame you never got to taste it." The girl said before walking back inside the hospital.

It was as if she just rubbed more salt on his wound. He crouched down, putting his hand on head, letting his tears out. He recalled all the times his sister prepared a bento for him, the regret eating him up once again.

He took all the little things she did for granted. Now he can no longer taste the amazing cooking of his sister. _I wish I could eat your bento._

_I wish I can taste your cooking one more time and this time, I'll promise to indulge every bite._

—

Part X: Prepared

—

SAKUSA SAT ON one of the chairs, tuning out the voices from the hospital. Komori sat beside him, acting as an emotional support. His parents were talking to the doctor and the friend of her sister was inside, talking to the friend she just lost. 

He felt lost, he didn't know what to do since he stopped crying a while ago. His headache worsened because of the amount of tears he shedded. He felt as if the entire world was breaking. It was so unfair. She was so young, she still had so much ahead of her. He saw that she needed help but he didn't bat an eye and when he finally did that's when she gave up.

He wanted to shake the girl, he wanted her to wake up and say it's all just a prank. He wanted it to be a dream, he wanted to wake up but he knows he can't. 

Cause this was real and he can't wake up from it. Well two of them can't wake up if that makes anything better. He scolded himself for making such joke at this time but he didn't know how to cope.

How does he get over this?

_Can he even get over this?_

He knew deep inside he could never forgive himself. He knew that he'll forever punish and beat himself for this. His thoughts came to a halt when he sees a bento box in front of him. He looked up to see the friend of his sister right in front of me.

_... why is she giving me a bento?_

"I was confused at first why she gave it to me earlier. All she said was to give it to you. She didn't give any context but she said I'll know when to give it... so here. I guessed she knew that you'd feel bad for rejecting her bentos before she k.." She stopped not able to continue her words as the tears threated to fall out once again.

She sniffed and wiped her tears before continuing. "You know what I mean.. but yeah, she told me to give this to you. It's cold now, of course, but please eat it. Heat it up or something. The container's clean and this is the only time I touched it... just to clarify."

Sakusa took the bento box from her hands and just when he thought he didn't have any more tears to let out, he cried silently once again. He hugged the bento box while chuckling in his head.

_Up to the very end, you were still worried about me? That's really unfair..._

—

Part XI: Unresponsive 

—

AFTER CONTEMPLATING for so long, he finally decided to go see his sister before they put her body to the morgue. He entered the dead silent room and there his sister lies, a white blanket covering her body.

"I wanna hate you. I want to hate how you acted so strong and took all that pain by yourself. I want to hate the fact you gave up. Did you not think about the people who loves you? Your friend? Did you not think about her?" Sakusa shouted.

"You know your friend joined me earlier, she forcefully took some of the food you prepared for me. She told me something I didn't expect to come from her. I expected her to be angry at me. I expected her to put all the blame on me and our parents. But she didn't. You know what she said?" Sakusa paused, glancing at the white cloth.

"We were all at fault."

_"Don't be so hard on yourself Sakusa-san. You know, everyone has their own faults, me, you, your parents, Komori-san and yes, even your sister has her own fault. She... she didn't have to endure everything by herself but that was her choice. She had the option to tell you guys how she felt but she didn't and that's on her. But at the same time you can't really blame her. She was scared, she didn't want to disrespect her mother. And I'm pretty sure she wasn't aware how her mother's "right" was toxic. On the other hand, as her parents, they should have known how their daughter was feeling. Anyway, all i'm saying is that we all could have done something to prevent her.." The girl paused, looking at the last bento her friend made._

_"But we didn't and we have to live with that. All we can do now is learn, regret and continue living— for her." She continued. She stood up, handing three letters to the boy. Each had a name on it. For him, his cousin and their parents._

_"She left that alongside the bento. I have to go now Sakusa-san." And with that the girl left._

"Your friend's nice. It made me feel a little better knowing that you had her when you were... alone." Sakusa sighed before sitting on the chair near the better bed.

"I was planning on changing you know? But I guess I was too late... I wish I acted faster, I wish I realized sooner. I wish I wish I wish, I hate the fact that all I could say now is I wish. I hate the fact that I have to agree with that stupid saying that you only regret something when you lose it. I was genuinely gonna try, I wanted to become a better brother to you. I wanted to return the love you showered me with. I wanted to be proper brother." Sakusa cried.

How he wished he could take back time and redo things. He wanted a second chance. He wanted the girl to wake up even if it's just a minute, heck even a second. He just wanted time. Time to properly apologize, time to rightfully thank her and time to show how proud he was to have her as a sister.

"Just one more time. Let me be a better brother just for one more time."

He was willing to sacrifice everything just to hear her voice one, to see her eyes and to feel her warmth. 

But unfortunately this was reality and he can't turn back the time.

—

Part XII: Confrontation

—

SAKUSA LOOKED AT the letters on his hand. He has given his cousin the letter addressed, all that's left is to give his parents theirs'. He knew he had to give it but his head was telling himself that they didn't deserve it, especially after hearing the story of her sister's friend.

They didn't deserve closure.

 _But she wouldn't like that._ He bitterly thought. She wrote this letter beforehand so she has been planning it and it wasn't a spur of the moment kind of thing.

It pained him just imagining his sister contemplating about her own life. He looked at the neat handwriting on the outside of the envelope.

_To my parents_

They didn't deserve that title. 

"What are you holding Kiyoomi?" 

Speak of the devil and she'll appear. Sakusa angrily looked up at his mother. His tear stained face almost making him laugh due to the irony. 

_You reap what you sow._

"...why?" He whispered, anger with a mix sadness evident on his voice.

"What are you saying..? What do you mean why?" His mother asked, confused with her son's sudden question and change in behavior.

"Why did you force her? Why did you pressure her? Why did you not support what she wanted to do?!! ...why didn't you become a proper parent for her? WHY ME?! Why did you never scold me? Why didn't you reprimand me when I failed? Why do you support me? No... why did you choose to have two children when you didn't treat the other one as such?!" Sakusa angrily asked, all the anger and frustration finally being let out.

He saw his father and cousin froze from where they were standing. They didn't dare approach him but instead stopped and listened.

"My sister isn't your doll. She isn't you. You don't get to choose for her, you don't get to decide where she goes, what she does or anything in general. She's your child and she's still a child. Forcing her to carry so many burden, so many worries... so many expectations. MOM." Sakusa paused, the tears continuously falling from his eyes.

"SHE WAS 15. What did you expect? She's a person and she can only take so much till she breaks. So why..? Why mom? Tell me why!! Give me a reason, give me anything and I'll take it. I just wanna know why. Please mom, can't you see? I'm desperate here so give me something." Sakusa desperately cried, wanting answers.

He wanted to know his mother side. He wanted to know why. He wanted to know the reason why his sister had to go through all that.

The older woman couldn't do anything but stand there in shock. Then she cried as she slowly start to take in the words of her eldest child. She took pride in having a daughter that many people considered a genius, a prodigy. She loved how her peers would compare their children to hers. She thought she was doing everything for her daughter by wanting to bring out all her potential. 

_But at what cost?_

She never realized how she passed who she wanted to be to her daughter. She wanted her daughter to become her definition of perfect, forgetting that the young girl was her own person. She cried, covering her mouth due to shock. 

_She caused this._

_She drove her daughter this much to the point she had given up._

Her husband approached her before she fell on to the floor. He stared at his son with shame and guilt. He might have not nitpicked his daughter like his wife but that didn't mean he stopped it.

He was an enabler. And now all they could do is regret and apologize to a person that'll never come back.

"She.. she left the two of you a letter. She actually gave one to me, Komori, probably her friend and you two. I-I didn't want to give it to you. I thought you two didn't deserve it, I thought you don't deserve closure." Sakusa sighed before kneeling in front of his mother and handing her the letter.

"But she wrote this for you. She wanted you to have it so I'll give it. It's the least I can do for her. I.. I won't be back for a while mom, I'll stay with Komori for the mean time. I can't— I can't go back to that house right now. Not when all I could see is myself walking back with her earlier that day." He stood up, dusting the imaginary dust in his pants.

"I'm not placing all the blame to you mom... i'm as guilty as you are. I left her by herself. I deserted her when she needed me the most. That's why I want to ask for space right now, from you, from our.. home, from everything. I'll see you again... _mom._ " Sakusa finished, the word mom leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. 

He walked away not looking back at his parents. Komori soon followed, bowing at his uncle and aunt before running after his cousin.

Multiple realization was made that day and alongside that were the broken hearts of those who realized.

—

Part XIII: Determination

—

A WEEK HAS PASSED since the incident. Sakusa was excused from school for a week and he has been staying at the Komori household. He hasn't left the guest room since he came from the hospital, only eating when his cousin brought him food.

Komori sighed as he glanced at the guest room his cousin was staying in. He was worried. He didn't talk, he didn't even want to see a volleyball. Their teammates also visited the boy in attempt to cheer him up but were disappointed.

He had also been getting calls from the Inarizaki setter who was also worried. The news somehow spread to other prefectures, unsurprisingly. Sakusa's sister was a rising star after all, they knew her name since she's the first one to get into the top despite only being a first year.

She was the girls' volleyball pride after all. Everyone who played volleyball knew the prodigy's name. Heck even Ushiwaka himself was asking about his cousin's well-being.

He sighed once again looking at the date on his phone. Tomorrow's the funeral. He didn't know if Sakusa would even attend, he knew how heartbroken the guy was when he left the hospital. Could he endure seeing his sister in that state once again?

He winced remembering the narration of his uncle of what had happened that day. He found out that it was Sakusa who found his sister. He could only imagine how traumatizing that was for his cousin.

Komori had come into a conclusion.

He had to make Sakusa attend, even if that means he has drag the taller male to go. He knew the boy needed closure and this is the last chance he'd get.

_This will be his last goodbye._

He knows it'll be hard. Especially with how their relationship ended. How it ended before the good could even start. He knows that his cousin is probably being swallowed by guilt but he can't remain this way forever.

_He has to eventually let go._

That didn't mean he had to forget but he has to learn to move on. Cause that's what she would have wanted. He knew cause that's what she said. 

_Please look after my brother Motoya-kun!!_

He suddenly started tearing up again. The words from the letter he has been repeatedly reading was hitting once again. 

_"Don't worry, I'll take care of your brother. I'll make sure he keeps himself healthy."_ He whispered to no one in particular.

She's probably listening wherever she is. Komori chuckled at his thoughts. It was silly but it gave him comfort.

 _You’re watching us from afar right?_

He looked at the door with a determined look on his face. 

He will bring his two cousins together for the last time. He can't let himself fail again. This was the last thing he could do for her after all. _I'll make sure you see your brother before you finally say goodbye to us._

—

Part XIV: Farewell

—

SAKUSA KIYOOMI believed he wasn't the affectionate type, that was until his sister made him realize that he was. He loved his sister but he didn't know how to show it. Alongside those were the addition of his own misunderstandings and misconceptions. 

She made him realize that he was indeed human and he felt pain.

She made him realize why he chose to believe that affection was unnecessary and that's because it was hard. It was hard to get attached to a person because you have to accept the fact that the day will come wherein they have to leave.

_But she left too soon._

He never realized how much he resembled his sister both in looks and personality. From the curly hair down to the their calm and collected personality. His sister was a work of art herself. 

_Her entire being was a masterpiece._

Sadly she could no longer show the art she was to the world. She had such a bright future.

But they caused that brightness to dim. They unknowingly made her suffer till she couldn't anymore. She lost her strength when she needed it the most. 

Komori had been banging his door, telling him to come out and go to the funeral with him, but how could he? How could he endure seeing the lifeless body of his sister once again? But he knew he had to. He needed to say goodbye.

_He needed his closure._

He stared at the untouched letter sitting on the table. He has been staring at it since he got it but didn't dare to open it. He was scared and he didn't want to cry anymore.

He wants to but the same thing that haunted his sister was now haunting him and that was fear. 

He had to open the letter and he had to attend the funeral. 

_You have to do it Kiyoomi. Do it for her. You wanted to be a proper brother right?_ This is your last and only chance. He told himself.

He stood up from the bed with a pained look on his face. He knew he couldn't keep making excuses, he had to face her. He opened the door, shocking his cousin who has been banging on the other side. Not bothering to greet the brunette, he went straight to bathroom to take a shower.

He had to face her. It was now or never.

After he finished preparing, he walked towards his cousin, putting on his mask then muttering, "Let's go, we're gonna be late."

—

The Komori family and Sakusa arrived at the said location and saw a lot of people on the area. There was one thing he concluded after seeing the condolences and posts for his sister.

_His sister was idolized by so many people. She was an inspiration._

And knowing that made him smile. She would have been so happy knowing how many people she influenced. Sakusa was happy. Who wouldn't after knowing that a lot of people acknowledged and loved her sister?

_The exact thing he wasn't able to give her._

Acknowledgement and love.

He looked up seeing the mourning faces of so many people, he even recognized a lot of people because half of them were those who played the same as him. That included the annoying blond setter from Inarizaki and the ace he respected from Shiratorizawa.

"Kiyoomi... would you like to give a speech for your sister?" Sakusa was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice his mother approaching him. He shook his head.

"You know i'm not the type of person to give a speech... I'll talk to her in private, I want it to be just between us." Sakusa answered, not bothering to meet the gaze of his mother.

The older woman could only smile. "I understand."

The whole thing proceeded with his mother, father, cousin and sister's friend sharing about girl who was now saying her farewell.

After the gathering ended and everyone dropped their flowers to the casket, they greeted the family their goodbye and condolences. Sakusa thanked his teammates and peers before glancing at the area he has been trying to keep a distance from. 

He was distancing himself from the casket. He was still scared but he knows he have to and he will.

As soon as everyone left, Sakusa glanced at his parents and took a deep breath. He walked towards where his sister was and dropped the flower he has been holding tightly.

"Hey..." He started.

"I don't really know what to say you know? I'm not sure if I should apologize, or should I cry about my regrets even if its too late. I want to take back time, I want to be a better a brother. I want to properly thank you, to properly eat the meals you make. I just want— I just want you to be alive again. I took you for granted and now look at me." He continued, the tears he has been trying to refrain from coming out now falling.

"I wish me regretting my actions can bring you back— but that's just wishful thinking. I'm sorry, I didn't acknowledge you, I'm sorry for blaming you and pushing you away. I love you, I really do. I hope that wherever you are right now you're happy, cause you deserve to be happy. I love you... I wish I could have said it earlier." Sakusa looked up at the sky and released the breath he didn't know he was holding.

"I had so many chance and I ruined every single one of them. But I know regretting things now won't make anything better and knowing you, you wouldn't like that huh? I know you wouldn't want on me to dwell on this, I know you wouldn't want to see me crying and all depressed because of you. So I'll—" He paused, his sobs preventing his words from coming out.

"I'll let you go." He looked down at the casket one last time.

"And I'll try my best to live happily for you, cause that's what you would have wanted, right?" He smiled, remembering his conversations with his sister's friend.

The past days he did his best to learn more about his sister. For him, this was the only way he could become the brother he wanted to be.

"I'll continue to play volleyball and I'll chase my dreams. Have I told you that? I'm going pro. I'll live my life to the fullest so you don't have to worry cause i'm fine,

 _...I'll be fine."_ He clenched the unopened letter he has been holding on to the entire day. He knew after this he had to open the envelope and read the letter she left for him. He closed his and smiled,

"I have to say goodbye now, sister. _Farewell."_

—

— END —

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t written a story in such a long time so I hope this turned out fine. This is also my first time posting in ao3, and i’m still not familiar with it so i’m still confused with a lot of things.
> 
> Also, I wrote most of this at midnight _(for better feels)_ So I’m literally half asleep when writing some parts of this
> 
> Anyway, I hoped you liked this one shot!


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